ABOUT ME

Living up to expectations of others

From an early age, I felt that no one understood me, that I was on my own. My parents divorced when I was young, causing the family to break up. That had a huge impact on me.
I started living up to others’ expectations, doing everything I could to impress them, and became like a chameleon that could adapt to any situation. Yet I found no peace. I wanted approval and validation and walked on eggshells to keep all the balls in the air.

An introduction to the effects of drugs

Around the age of 11, I smoked my first joints and drank my first beers, which immediately felt good. It filled a void, gave me confidence, and I experienced peace. Between the ages of 12 and 18, I attended boarding schools in The Netherlands and abroad. My parents handed over my upbringing and education to boarding schools, and I felt the emptiness inside me remain, as did my desire to belong somewhere.

During my university years and military service, friendships seemed to develop mainly when I showed a different side of myself. The insecure boy gave way to the more confident daredevil, which made me visible and appreciated. However, this side of me was only there when I was under the influence of substances.

Work hard, play hard

That was my motto. I started working, bought my first home and got married. I decided not to look back and was driven to pursue a career. In my free time, it was always party time. I celebrated successes and moments of happiness with alcohol and drugs, but I also used them to cope with insecurities, disappointments, and setbacks. I had never learned to talk about emotions and saw it as a weakness to show my vulnerability.

Looking back on this time now, I realize that I was always running away from myself and the emotions of my past. Still, at the time, these substances helped me relax and deal with the ups and downs of everything that came my way.

Work hard, play hard

The turning point

The birth of my daughter was a turning point for me; from that moment on, I felt complete. Everything I had missed since my early childhood, a core of my own, a family of my own, I now had.

I experienced unprecedented joy and peace. I felt responsible for my family, because I knew better than anyone what the consequences would be if my family fell apart. I threw myself into my work and became a successful businessman with an increasingly impressive resume.

For 20 + years, I traveled the world. I took on more and more responsibilities, closed bigger and bigger deals, the sky was the limit. I sought support, relief, and comfort in substances, which slowly but surely led to my dependency on substances.

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You’re addicted; you need to seek help

What had helped me stay afloat for years was now bringing me to my knees. I couldn’t go on anymore, and the substances no longer helped. My loved ones also saw that I was no longer myself, and one day my wife said to me, “You’re addicted, Ray, you need to seek help.” That hit me hard. I knew I had a problem, but addicted?!

It was the first time I experienced someone seeing right through me and seeing me for who I really was. I had been living with a big secret for years, and now it was no longer a secret. My loved ones gave me a choice. I could seek help or continue as I was, but then without them.

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Admission and recovery

I decided to check myself into a clinic in Scotland. It was time to face myself. To see that not everything revolves around me. The realization that I was not alone with addiction problems helped me a lot at the time.

I got to know other people who felt the same way I did. They gave me the strength and tools to allow change. I learned to be open and honest, to enjoy the most trivial things, and in doing so, I found peace. Here, I didn’t have to pretend to be someone else; I was good just the way I was. I began to see my shortcomings, but also that that’s okay to have shortcomings. Nobody is perfect.

After fifty years of searching for a sense of acceptance, I found what I was looking for. Not by using drugs, lying, and making everything seem better than it was, as I had done for years, but by stopping just all that.

The best choice

Going to the clinic was the best choice I ever made. I now know who I am, with all my qualities and shortcomings. I no longer need to know or be able to do everything, I no longer need to pretend that I know or can do everything. I discovered how much freedom there is in saying, “I don’t know.”

My life is still full of surprises and unexpected twists and turns. I still experience sadness, uncertainties, setbacks, and disappointments. I no longer fight against them; I have learned how to deal with them.

Professional training in addiction

After returning home from the clinic, I began to delve deeper into what addiction is and the behavior of both addicts and their loved ones. I completed the necessary professional training and have now been committed for several years to helping people who are struggling with their own addiction or the addiction of a loved one. This led me to start Care4addictioN, through which I assist people in dealing with the consequences of addiction.

Let’s get to know each other